The Price of Integration

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One of the writers that I follow on Instagram has a book that was just released today and in her IG live video this morning, she talked about the price of integration. Jen Hatmaker is the author of multiple books, most recently Fierce, Free, and Full of Fire. I have bought more books in the past year than ever before, but I choose to spend money very intentionally…and that includes supporting other writers.

While I am definitely not religious, I have no problem reading the work of those who are. Because I don’t get stuck on words. I am reading for the intent and message beneath the content. I bought a copy of Jen’s most recent book which is on its way to me now.

So, this morning, while listening to Jen have a conversation about the price of integration….I completely resonated. The price of integration is going to cost you people and connections.

It was right around this same time last year that some unexpected events removed some people and prior connections. Which left me crying on the kitchen floor the entire last weekend of April last year.

The price of coming even more deeply back to myself and integrating even more fully into myself: it was steep. But it’s one that in reflection, I am happy to have paid.

In so many conversations lately, it has come up how crazy it is that we didn’t even know one another a year ago. It turns out that paying the price of integrating more fully into myself cleared a lot of space for new connections to arrive.

Connections that are undeniably aligned with me in highly collaborative and creative ways. I am involved in such a wide variety of creative projects and relationships that did not exist a year ago. I could not have predicted any of these experiences. And I’m proud of myself for showing up for all of them.

It was absolutely awful to experience the loss of some prior identities last year. A year later…I can admit that it did indeed clear space for brilliant new partnerships and opportunities. Partnerships and relationships that I could never have imagined existing.

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression

Willingness to Communicate

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In a twist that was very unexpected, the issue that I previously wrote about with regard to the city of Charlotte and yard waste was resolved quite peacefully. Thanks in large part to the communication skills of some city employees.

While I was absolutely furious at receiving the “violation” letter, this story ends with me having quite pleasant phone calls with two men who are city employees. I would have been an excellent litigator and am always ready to show up for a debate; I can use words quite effectively. My ex used to tell customer service reps that they really “don’t want me to put my wife on the phone with you.”

Anyhow, during this morning’s conversations, it was helpful that they were both willing to acknowledge that there has been a lack of effective communication from the city. As well as the absurdity of the times we are living in right now.

There is a tremendous amount of collective anger in the air (that I can feel), and it would have been very easy for me to tap into it and channel it toward people. Instead, I chose to be willing to have a conversation. Granted, I have flipped people off in multiple parking lots lately…could you all seriously get the hell out of my way?

Both men that I spoke with this morning were great communicators and one ended up chatting with me for quite a while. Both also shared the sentiment that “we’re doing the best we can.” At which point I leaned against my car, sighing, and internally recognizing: we all are.

It also helped tremendously that each was willing to express that they were as surprised as I was to witness the deep lack of congruence in messages being shared by the city right now.

I could have chosen to channel fury and anger at these humans, who are simply showing up and doing their jobs to the best of their ability. Both of them being willing to admit to not knowing, and feeling uncertain how to navigate current circumstances…made them much easier to relate to.

It also helps that both told me to leave the damn yard waste at the curb; which was my plan all along. I didn’t spend the time and energy to get it there just to remove it.

Effective communication is something that not all people navigate easily, and with challenging conversations it gets even harder to embrace. I can very much appreciate the fact that both of these men were willing to show up and communicate with a clearly upset woman. Both also acknowledged understanding and appreciation of the fact that I was upset.

We always have a choice as to how we show up in the world. I absolutely have moments of anger, rage, and fury. I also have moments where I choose to let that fall away and simply connect with another person; I’m certainly more proud of the moments when I choose connection, but real life is messy and I don’t always make that choice.

In my real estate experience, communication is the number one issue I point to as a challenge. I’ve co-brokered with exceptional communicators…and those who are not so skilled. My favorites have always been those who know how to show up and talk. Communication is essential to so much of human connection, and even with writing, the aspect of communicating is non-negotiable.

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression

Bright Side of Technology

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Anyone who knows me is well aware that I have a deep love/hate relationship when it comes to technology. As much as I am an introvert, I talk on the phone all the time. While also experiencing moments that I wish I could run away from the phone.

So it’s been interesting to witness the rest of the world catch on to the potential bright side of technology: connection. Several friends and I have had recent conversations noticing that the rest of the world has discovered that Zoom exists; we’ve been using it for years.

In the past year, I have talked and connected with more people around the world than ever before thanks to technology. I’ve received business from those connections, and I’ve hired people as a result of online connection. I ended Friday engaged in brilliant conversation with someone several states away from me.

Deleting Facebook and LinkedIn are still unequivocally some of the best decisions I made last year. But stepping into connecting with people via video chatting has been incredibly expansive; using technology that isn’t new at all.

In fact, it was a Zoom call that was instrumental in getting work out of my bedroom last summer. I did work from bed for several months, and I’m very willing to have written and verbal communication of mine posted online. I draw the line at video of me in bed, so just before a recording I pulled the laptop downstairs. I worked from bed while it was necessary but I appreciate having it back to personal space.

Most of my conversations and podcast recordings in the past week were with people located in other locations than the city where I live. There is expansiveness and brilliance in being able to connect with people via technology.

Still…it isn’t a substitute for being present in the same room with people. One of the podcasts recorded this week was with a lady I only knew online until January. We’d connected on Instagram and through a Disrupt Now Program podcast last summer.

The experience of finally meeting and being in a room with her in New Orleans was irreplaceable. Technology does have its benefits and can bring people around the world together virtually. But it still can’t replace the experience of being together with one another physically. Courtney Elmer and The EffortLESS Life are highly recommended.

I’m on Zoom calls all the time and talk with people literally around the world, as well as those several miles away. While we both enjoy being comfortable in our own spaces. There is tremendous value in that; but it still can’t replace the experience of being present with one another.

My complicated relationship with technology is likely to continue. It does have a bright and expansive side as well as a dark side of addiction and distraction. Ultimately it depends on how we choose to utilize it.

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression

Soul Mates – My Personal Opinion

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This is a topic that has come up in a lot of conversations recently, and as with so much, I have some thoughts about it.

I personally do not buy into the fairy tale concept that there is one “soul mate” out there, and once you find that person, life just becomes magical. As someone who is happily divorced, I can tell you….we don’t always get it right when choosing a partner. Relationships of any kind include ups and downs; they are not always easy.

The term “soul connections” feels much more accurate to me, and there is ample evidence of it in my own life. While I don’t think anyone’s doing much dating at the moment, I’m still happily single but open to considering a romantic relationship; says the pretty solidly unromantic woman.

However, there are quite a few people in my life that I would classify as soul connections. People with whom there is an undeniable and very strong attraction. Some of these are professional connections, some are both professional and personal, others are just personal.

For me, the most critical (and accurate) indication of a soul connection is communication and conversation. Every person that I’d classify as a soul connection is someone who has shown up and not just matched me in communication, but challenged and expanded our connection through conversation.

These are people who show up, and don’t just match me; they are willing to debate and share differing opinions. Each one is a significant factor in my own personal growth…and I love that.

I’ve learned a lot about my preferences when it comes to dating, and communication is one of my biggest complaints when it comes to the experience of dating. So many men are unable, or unwilling, to show up and have a conversation.

I have so much deep appreciation for the people in my life that are soul-level connections; I adore our conversations. With regard to dating, I have a lot of criteria but communication is one of the most meaningful. Though I won’t negotiate on height or several other factors.

If I ever choose to be in a relationship again, it will need to match this type of soul level connection. It would need to be someone willing to show up and not just engage in conversation with me, but one willing to challenge and debate; to make me consider different perspectives.

At this point, I just don’t care how few men may match all of my personal criteria for a partner. There is ample evidence in other areas of my life that such soul connections exist, and that they can arrive in my life in some of the most unexpected ways.

So while I don’t believe in the idea of a single soul mate, I do very much believe that there are soul level connections available; it is always our choice whether to embrace and recognize them when they arrive. It also does not mean that they remain in our lives forever, and sometimes that’s an even more challenging awareness to embrace.

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression

Witnessing

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It is very true that people just tell me things and share their stories, regardless of where I am or what I’m doing. Everyone has a story, and most people simply want to be witnessed.

Most of us aren’t looking for solutions or problem solving; we simply want to be seen. I have many superpowers, but the ability to witness other people is high on the list.

Right now, people everywhere are starved for connection, and I am continuing to witness people and their stories literally everywhere I go, including at home.

I’m not anti-social, but I have lived here for more than twelve years and have had more conversations with neighbors in the past month than in several years. We are all stuck at home and not going anywhere other than stir crazy…which is a special level of hell even for introverts.

It’s always fascinating to hear how other people perceive of either me, or my life experiences. In a recent conversation, a long-time neighbor shared that they had watched my separation and divorce unfold, noting how my ex’s behavior was rather inappropriate.

I didn’t realize this person had been watching. In a way, it was validating to hear him share his perception of how my ex chose to behave toward me. Sometimes we aren’t even aware who is witnessing us and our stories.

As a writer and ghostwriter, I help people tell their stories; and I certainly have many of my own. It’s true that I cannot stop talking, but at the same time…I cannot stop listening. People and their stories are truly fascinating when we stop and simply pay attention to them.

This same neighbor shared some of his very personal stories that include massive grief and trauma. Everyone has a past, some of us are just more willing to show up and have it witnessed.

I am a natural listener and witness to the stories that people have to share. Even while supposedly being told to stay home, humans have a deep and intense desire to simply be seen. Some family members are horrified at choices I’m making, and while they’re welcome to their own opinions; I’m not willing to stop showing up for my own life.

Witnessing my own journey through this life experience, and sharing that through written expression is part of why I am here. Staying home, staying in bed, or opting out of witnessing and allowing myself to experience this life are simply not options.

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression

Emerging

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While I never really stopped showing up for my life, recently there has been a theme of emerging in even deeper ways. Early April of last year, I was at a local business event and several people seemed surprised to see me there; which I didn’t understand…was I supposed to stay in bed?

In recent conversation with someone who also encountered trauma last year, I asked if they noted the irony that we’re both ready to emerge more fully into our lives when the world shuts down. How fun.

Someone who was once very close to me, but then cut me off rather brutally, recently sent an IG follow request. To which I turned my head sideways wondering what the actual fuck they were thinking; and NO.

At the same time, other people I haven’t been in touch with lately have come back around and I’ve been able to reconnect with them joyfully. The choice is always mine to make. People continue to emerge back into my life in surprising ways.

Emerging even more fully into my life in so many ways is indescribably sweet and sometimes also bitter. I’m very aware of people that I choose to keep and those I choose to release.

Charlotte is a very, very small town; I am aware that I could encounter these non-connections in a variety of settings. Whether you think I’m writing about you or not, you’re right.

The reality is that my emergence and presence in my own life is only and always up to me; I choose who, where, and with whom I spend my time and energy.

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression

Music and Memories

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As I am once again awake in the middle of the night, listening to music, I am again reminded of the link between music and memory. Songs bring me back to memories effortlessly.

Some are sweet, some are much more bitter. Some create new memories to savor and appreciate.

I love music and appreciate lyrics; the lyrics and words are actually what I’m listening for more than anything.

As a writer, I’m drawn to words, but deeper than the words are the memories and experiences tied to songs. Certain songs can throw me back to my college or even high school days.

Other songs capture my experience of divorcing…songs can remind me of a wide variety of experiences. Music is very deeply tied to memories. Even while writing, I often have music playing and songs both accompany and remind me.

Even now, I have music playing that reminds me of previous writing experiences. Not in a bad way, just reminiscent and strangely aligned with prior middle of the night writing times. Seems early September and April have a lot in common.

There is a song that was the soundtrack to my divorce and I still love listening to it: Out of the Woods by Taylor Swift. I now have a completely different perspective on it, and today it brings me joy instead of anger.

These days I usually have music playing in the background no matter what I’m doing. Music and lyrics conjure both joyful and sad feelings; I’m willing to allow both.

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression

Communication Outlets

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It is fascinating to watch the writers whose work I admire and appreciate share on social media right now. Good luck getting a writer to stop talking. By social media, I mean Instagram, as it’s the only place I still have a presence.

So many of the writers that I follow are turning to podcasting in order to communicate. Seriously, we just can’t shut up. A little more than a year later, it remains true that even a broken jaw couldn’t shut me up; and I’m still talking all the time.

Granted, I’m an exceptional listener just as much as I’m a writer and speaker. Communication is a word that follows me everywhere; I read between the lines of both verbal and non-verbal communication.

I adore being a part of creating podcast episodes and listen to ones I’ve been a part of, while also consuming the content of others. I am currently devouring the podcasts that other writers are creating. From Brené Brown to Cheryl Strayed, there are brilliant writers creating new content right now in the form of podcasts.

As much as I listen intently and communicate myself, there does come a point each day when I’m done speaking and need more silence. Usually it arrives in mid-afternoon once I’ve been awake and communicating for most of the day.

Those of us who are writers naturally just show up and talk. Some of my favorite relationships are with other writers; there’s an element of mutual understanding that’s impossible to manufacture.

Both of the crystal pendants around my neck are related to communication. I know sort of what they each mean but have had several friends much more versed in crystal meaning comment on how perfectly they blend and complement one another. They’re opalite and blue sodalite, and they match my actual and chosen birthstones; diamond and sapphire. They are also very yin/yang in appearance; integration is as much a theme as communication.

The first “communication” crystal arrived just after my birthday at the end of last April. The very next morning brought some unexpected (and unpleasant) communication. Which led to some decisions I hadn’t anticipated. Yet at the same time, that communication opened doors that I didn’t even know existed. Doors that I’ve trusted myself to choose to walk through.

Communication isn’t optional within relationships; it’s essential. That’s part of why I no longer have a dating profile: many men are unwilling to engage in mutual conversation. I had one blatantly ignore the fact that I shared how meaningful communication is to me; we never met, despite his insistence on going out for a drink.

I talk with people literally everywhere I go and it’s very true that people just tell me some very personal stories. Writers must talk and communicate. We do it with words and in conversation with others. We have a deep need to speak as well as to listen. We are always reading between the lines of what is and is not said. Combine being a writer with being an empath and I’m really fun to date.

One of the men I slept with after divorcing refused to engage with me in conversation. It didn’t take long for me to get bored and if I were to describe him: he wasn’t that cute, definitely wasn’t that tall, and the sex wasn’t that good. Date a writer…end up as material.

Communication could qualify as a core value of mine. Engage and debate with me; make me consider different opinions. I have fascinating conversations both with people in my life and with strangers all the time; the life of a writer intrinsically involves communication in a variety of forms. I’m more fully willing to admit and embrace that than ever before.

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression

Overcoming Fear

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It is beyond ironic that a podcast episode I was part of recording a while ago just aired…given the current state of the world. The latest Confessions of a Financial Advisor podcast episode is all about overcoming fear. And fear is something every single person experiences in some form or another.

The world is currently in a state of massive fear and chaos. Check out the podcast episode linked above to listen in on my conversation with Al about the reality of fear.

It’s also the first time I’ve shared my personal story of the first man I went on a date with after my divorce. It’s been more than two years and that story still makes me laugh. Needless to say, he and I are no longer connected.

Right now, we are all navigating through some ridiculously messy emotions, including grief. The world has been traumatized by recent events, and those of us who are highly sensitive are holding not just personal but collective grief and fearful emotions.

In another “no such thing as coincidence” moment, my other podcast partner and I just recorded the next Disrupt Now Program podcast episode centered on the word: Surrender.

I’ve listened to that upcoming episode’s raw version and it is so fucking good! As are most of the episodes that I’m a part of with podcast partners. I just show up and talk, so every episode that I’m a collaborator on are truly a reflection of the genuine conversations I have in my daily life.

If you ever wonder what it’s like to talk with me, just listen to any of the episodes I’ve shared. They are all a reflection of what it’s like to engage in conversation with me. By far, the most common thing people say to me is, “It’s just really easy to talk with and be around you.” Followed closely by, “I’m not sure why I’m telling you this, it’s really personal.”

Both FA Confessions and the Disrupt Now Program podcasts have become huge passion projects of mine within the past year. I absolutely love collaborating on both of them. It’s hard to believe that a year ago neither one had shown up yet, they both just feel intimately familiar.

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression

The Conversational Nature of Writing

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One of the most beautiful discoveries of the past year has been the truly conversational and collaborative nature of writing. I had no idea so much conversation was involved in what at times is a very solitary activity. It’s a realization I am very grateful for having encountered.

When it comes to ghostwriting for people, it’s happened enough times now that I can acknowledge it as a personal truth: writing is both solitary and conversational.

In some cases, I can ghostwrite strictly from raw written material. But in my favorite partnerships, conversation is an integral part of the process for me. I need (and want) to be able to talk through what I’m getting and dig deeper into what the person is really trying to communicate.

It turns out that while writing is at times very solitary, I personally most enjoy the collaborations that very much involve conversation with the author. The conversational piece allows me to get deeper into the message and really helps when I go back on my own to play with words.

Realizing how significant conversation is in the writing process was unexpected. So was the awareness that I really enjoy writing with men. If you’d told me a year ago that either would become true, I would not have believed it.

Right now, the only thing keeping me close to sane are my phone and video conversations. I took two walks around the neighborhood today just to get out of the house. I cannot imagine how extroverts or people with children are coping right now. I’m not sure if neighbors have started medicating their exceedingly loud children…but thankfully they’ve been more subdued today.

It’s true that even experiencing trauma can’t shut me up and I continue to have the most intriguing conversations with so many people in my life. This awareness may have been unexpected, but it now makes a lot of sense. Even with my own writing, it involves conversation on a variety of levels and I enjoy that.

A lot can change in a year, and as traumatic and awful as 2019 was; this awareness of the conversational dimension of writing is one of the biggest gifts that it brought.

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression