Reflecting on a year ago, once again everything has changed. These are my thoughts on the aftermath of trauma, grief and healing. In early March of last year I was physically assaulted, and within moments, my life changed. And it would continue changing in unpredictable ways.
Traumatic events illuminate things. Relationships, connections, even our own patterns can be brought up for what is often an uncomfortable review or awareness.
Some of the people that were closest to me a year ago are gone; while I assume they’re alive and well, they are no longer in my life. Other connections that were close but more peripheral have amplified in unexpected ways. Even more brand new connections continue to arrive.
One major lesson of last year’s trauma: I cannot and, more importantly, will not take ownership of how anyone else experiences, responds to, or behaves toward me.
Some of those previous “close” people removed themselves. It was very clear that they did so, and I still see them on social media at times. Which to this day brings up feelings of pain. Pain that includes the awareness that I was cut out intentionally, plus an illumination of the deceptive nature of some communication.
On the flip side…allowing such people to go cleared space for much more magic to arrive. Through and beyond a very traumatic experience, I’ve been meeting more new people than ever before. I’ve also been doing things so very new, but also undeniably aligned with me; the thrill of that is indescribable. My calendar being cleared led the way to magical experiences and more autonomy than ever before.
In moments and weeks right after the trauma, I was absolutely flooded with support and well wishes. I was also brought endings and decisions that I never thought I would make. It was and has been both excruciating and beautiful; it was what it was.
Remembering any of that time is not fun. But it is meaningful to reflect. I choose to remember the good while still honoring the fact that there were many moments of crying on the floor; allowing myself to feel all of it.
A theme that emerged in the middle of all of the trauma was unapologetic sovereignty. Un-fucking-apologetic Sovereignty within and of my own life. That (and how I expressed it) pissed some people off. Yet I always get to choose where and with whom I spend my time, energy and attention; I don’t choose to spend any of it with those who judge me.
I’m very grateful for those who surrounded and sent me love during those absolutely ridiculous days in March of last year. I’m also grateful for all of the endings that took place. I’m even more grateful and appreciative of those I’ve since met, deepened a bond with, or who have continued to reach out.
New possibilities and potential continue to unfold all around me. I can be grateful for where I’ve been, while also grateful that I’m no longer there.
One of the most startling realizations while reflecting is that I do not miss the life I left behind. I love the one that I am now living. I have and continue to learn quite a lot about myself and trust my intuition more than ever before. The traumatic experience and losses were awful; their gifts are priceless.
“Dear strong woman, you are not intimidating. They are intimidated. There is a difference.” ~Charles Orlando. This reminder is important…and so very true.
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