The taste of my own medicine is incredibly bitter and the brutality of awareness is that once something is seen, it can’t be unseen.
In reading Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis this weekend, awareness and clarity snuck up on me in a way I didn’t expect. (I’ve since finished reading and do recommend it)
Maybe about halfway through the book I realized yet another way I’ve been holding myself back and resisting in my own life.
See, a little over 3 years ago I started writing a list. It was almost a joke at first titled “Gifts of Divorce” but it quickly turned into something much larger and took on a life of its own. It turned into my first book, inspired by my very deeply personal story of navigating through and into the territory beyond divorce.
My first book has a name and everything. I wrote it over many months and once I had enough perspective even wrote the intro earlier this year. And that’s where I stopped.
If I’m honest as to why I stopped and have continued to talk about it but resolutely refused to take any action with regard to publishing it? I’m afraid.
All of my writing comes from my own life experience and even in face to face conversation I’m very open and honest. I joke that if you hang with me long enough you’ll probably end up mentioned in my writing and there is truth to that.
But when it comes to moving forward on publishing this first book (even while the second one continues to write itself) I’ve resisted. Actively. And now I can’t un-see that resistance which feels wildly uncomfortable.
So this morning I asked myself, “Di, what are you waiting for?!” and I don’t even really need an answer to that, all I know is I don’t want to wait anymore.
Even though it’s scary, even though it’s unknown, even though I can mentally come up with an impressive list of “reasons” to continue letting it gather dust. The illumination of clarity reminds me that those are all only excuses.
I wrote this book very much as a love letter to my younger self who couldn’t see the light of joy, possibility, connection, FUN awaiting her if she’d just be brave enough to save her damn self.
It’s what I’d love for my niece to read (and THAT has me crying) because I want a different world for her. I want her to have the opportunity to learn from the wisdom I gained by walking through those fires.
This book turned into something far more expansive than divorce, which is why “divorce” is not in the title. It’s truly part of a journey back to myself.
It feels hypocritical to encourage others to share and express their stories while actively refusing to follow through on sharing a chapter of mine held within this book. Hypocrisy is decidedly NOT a core value of mine.
So later today I’ll be writing out and brainstorming book publishing pathways. And I’m saying that publicly very much to hold myself accountable. Because this book wanted to be written and there’s not a single valid reason for me to keep standing in its way.
I’m finally and fully out of reasons to wait.
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