Tag Archives: wisdom beyond divorce

Remnants and Memories

For some reason, working out in the yard doing spring cleanup reminds me of divorce. Perhaps because five years ago, I was so infuriated with the overgrowth that I took shrubs from taller than the house down to manageable levels….while my ex sat on the other side of the wall doing who knows what.

Also because for the two winters while we were divorcing, it was common for him to drive by my house on his way to visit a former neighbor while I was outside working in the yard. A messed up version of an “I’m not touching you” game that thankfully didn’t last very long.

I ran into the ex-neighbor husband not long ago and while he nodded in acknowledgment of me, I didn’t return the gesture.

While divorcing, my father commented on the topic of yard maintenance, to which I replied: “Who exactly do you think was doing it while I was married?”

I don’t mind doing yard work and even enjoy it to some degree. During a “discussion” five years ago, my ex mentioned that I seemed to have the yard maintenance well under control. To which I remember thinking: Did you seriously just opt out of participating in the outdoor maintenance??? It’s shocking that we’re no longer married.

At this time last year, I had no energy to give to outdoor maintenance. None. Well, I’m certainly paying for it this year. I will probably end up sunburned and am definitely sore after getting back out there. The fifteen minute fight to get a weed/tree excavated was super fun.

My legs would also like to know what the hell I’ve been thinking the past few days. I did actually do some yard work last summer, but it was nowhere close to what’s typically required. My house is “established” which is code for…neglect yard work for too long and it becomes a beast to get back in order.

To the neighbors whose children received a language framework of curses while walking by my front yard the past few days: you’re welcome.

Three years post-divorce, as much as doing yard work brings back memories they’re no longer painful memories, now they just make me laugh. And I am grateful every day to be single.

I often keep music with me while doing yard work and heard Taylor Swift’s Enchanted, Stevie Nicks’s Enchanted and the anthem to my divorce by Swift, Out of the Woods. Oh, the magic and memories.

Copyright©2020 by Diane McDermott, All Rights Reserved, “Remnants and Memories”

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression

Beyond Divorce Insights

My freedom date (separation) is in November, but the actual anniversary of becoming officially divorced is March 8th. And this will be the third anniversary. I could (and might) plan a celebration integrated with my upcoming birthday.

In another year of valuable insight, awareness, and wisdom; I’ve learned a lot more about myself.

– I like having complete control of my calendar without being obligated due to external commitments. This complete flexibility has surprised me by how much I enjoy it. Letting go of some old identities was really liberating. Identities that absolutely transformed me, but that I had (I can now admit) undeniably outgrown.

– Dating is a shit show. I am not interested in dating for the sake of dating. I also don’t require an app in order to meet people as I do that naturally wherever I go. In addition to Pisces (my ex), Gemini has firmly been established as an absolute no. Love my Pisces and Gemini friends, and professionally they are great clients, but I don’t do well in intimate relationships with them. Lesson learned.

– Actually publishing my first memoir is rapidly nearing completion and as I said to my current designer, Shit!!! This is becoming very real and tangible. A Cheryl Strayed quote I love is “Your book has a birthday. You just don’t know what it is.” This first memoir may be born sometime this spring, and that both exhilarates and terrifies me.

– Reclaiming my bedroom space has been an ongoing process. I’ve slept alone for five years but it was only after my divorce was final that I fully re-painted it. A year ago, it’s where I retreated to heal, and for a while I was very productive from bed. But I don’t like having work in that area and appreciate that it is fully back to personal space.

– I like going to the movies. That was never something ex and I never did together, and it’s only recently with friends that I’ve realized how much I enjoy it. The reclining and heated seats don’t hurt the experience. And even with no knowledge of the show, Downton Abbey was absolutely brilliant.

– Relationships shift and change over time. Some grow more intense and stronger. Others run their course, and all of that is okay. I just reconnected with a friend; I truly forgot just how much I enjoy talking with them, and how much we have in common.

– Sometimes, it’s just so nice to be on the receiving end of an invitation. I tend to do a lot of inviting, gathering, coordinating and it’s just so refreshing to have someone reach out and ask for time with me.

– Quiet and down time for and with myself aren’t weak or lazy; they’re requirements. I truly love time by myself. I am very social and love the people in my life. I also cherish time alone. After being emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted, I spent New Years Day and January 2nd in bed reading. It was blissful.

– Communication and relationships are things at which I naturally excel…when they are with the right people. Both are skills I would have previously denied but over the past year have become even more prominent.

– Having my own space these past years has become so precious to me. But at the same time, I can choose who I invite and allow into that space. Welcoming people into my space has been very healing.

– I actually like traveling even by myself. Ex and I never traveled well together and by the end we just didn’t. Having gone to new places, both with friends and most recently alone, has been so much fun.

My life has changed tremendously over the course of a year, not to mention over the course of the past three years. I am continually surprised, sometimes shocked and sometimes delighted, by all of the new that continues to show up.

This life experience is messy beyond belief. It also includes invitations to witness wonder, magic, and brilliant resonance. I’ve learned that all I can continue to do is keep showing up for all of it. For that, I am grateful.

Copyright©2020 by Diane McDermott, All Rights Reserved, “Beyond Divorce Insights”

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression

The Expansiveness of Freedom Season

Back when I was first separated from my ex, I decided very quickly that the month of November would forever and always be my freedom month. And every year since 2015, that month has been an intentional celebration of the fact that I am free of that relationship.

This year, it seems I’m choosing to expand the celebration from a single month to the entire last quarter of the year. And because I both write and re-write the rules of my own life, I am free to do so.

This freedom celebration seems to be very aligned with lots of new activity in all areas of my life. The level of synchronicity around me has increased yet again to even higher levels. As gifted as I am at communication, I’ve been glued to my primary email folder all afternoon and still can’t keep up.

Between texts, emails, phone calls, and in-person engagements, floods of communication just keep coming toward me.

It’s all great, wonderful even, but damn…exactly how much new is going to continue arriving? I’m scheduling closings, updating contract forms while reading podcast notes, scheduling social dates, reviewing stats, oh and writing for myself and others. Let’s not discuss the amount of dishes in the sink, the mountain of clean laundry, or the lawn that’s well overdue for attention.

Months ago a friend laughingly asked when I’m going to start being careful what I wish for. Clearly, I’m not done tempting the universe to outdo itself with the magic of synchronicity because I keep challenging it. And it keeps outdoing itself.

I could seriously use a nap, or maybe just a solid night of sleep. But the thing is, no matter how insane and chaotic things are…I love that this is my life. Meeting new connections of every variety, deepening and expanding existing connections, going out to new bars and restaurants around town, having endless conversations with depth, running into people I haven’t seen in a while. Driving with windows down and music up. My life is full of joy.

Music and memory are very intertwined for me, and the Coldplay song Something Just Like This became a favorite right around when my divorce was final. It’s been showing up again lately, and hearing it while out running and turning back home, I realized; that’s what I’ve always wanted, a life just like the one that I have.

So I’ll happily take these last several months of the year and continue to celebrate the fact that I am more free than I have ever been. Because that is always worth celebrating.

Copyright©2019 by Diane McDermott, All Rights Reserved, “The Expansiveness of Freedom Season”

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, connection and creative expression

 

 

Contrast and Clarity

Contrast and clarity are powerfully and inevitably intertwined. Life will bring us contrast and the inherent invitation is the clarity we can choose to extract and take forward.

Contrast shows up in experiences, situations, relationships and any number of other pathways. I won’t suggest that contrast within this human experience is ever exactly “fun” to feel, but there are still brilliant gifts it offers when we choose to recognize them. Contrast is the space between what we do and do not want.

Clarity born out of contrasting/challenging/uncomfortable experiences is powerful because it’s like a compass. We’re constantly fine tuning to our true North: What DO I want, how do I want to feel, what will I and what will I not allow? This can be applied to any area of life but in my experience relationships are the most fertile ground for this wisdom to arrive.

As a writer I create my own working definitions of some words and divorce is one of them. I see it as far more expansive than the end of a legal marriage. To me, divorce means cutting energetic and physical ties while implementing value based boundaries.

I’ve divorced “friends”, acquaintances, business relationships, and of course my marriage. I’ve divorced mindsets, old versions of myself, professional roles, the list goes on. You could say I’m the Queen of Divorce in all of its versions.

When I get to the point of divorcing anything, there has always been a dance of contrast and clarity.

For a long while I was firmly in the camp of focusing on the contrast to show me what I didn’t want. There was a big shift last October that had me pivoting and looking more at what I DO want as a result of contrast.

That shift has been really powerful and doors continue to fly open as I focus on the clarity of what is deeply meaningful to me: The people, experiences, connections and things that are most deeply aligned with me and my core values.

The pathway of growth and awareness is an upward spiral and while the contrast never goes away, I’ve found my recovery rate increases exponentially.

More than a year ago someone I thought was a friend hired and fired me within the span of a few weeks, after I did a ton of work on their house listing. The shattering unfolded rapidly and it was clear we were not aligned. My boundary enforcement and cutting out of this person was swift and complete. But….it really hurt and it hurt for a while.

Fast forward to recently when it became clear a connection needed to be removed. My recovery rate was exponentially faster and so much easier. Clarity felt like relief.

Contrast is going to show up. Clarity can follow and whether it does so quickly or over time the invitation is always there.

I’ve deeply learned these past years that I cannot and will not hold responsibility for the choices, behavior and actions of others upon my shoulders. When contrast arises, I’ll mine the clarity and gratefully take that wisdom with me. Onward and upward always.

Clarity on what I do want continues to come into ever sharper focus. For that insight and the ever increasing recovery rate from contrast, I am immensely grateful.

Copyright©2019 by Diane McDermott, All Rights Reserved, “Contrast and Clarity”

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, connection and creative expression