Tag Archives: dating after divorce

Beyond Divorce Insights

My freedom date (separation) is in November, but the actual anniversary of becoming officially divorced is March 8th. And this will be the third anniversary. I could (and might) plan a celebration integrated with my upcoming birthday.

In another year of valuable insight, awareness, and wisdom; I’ve learned a lot more about myself.

– I like having complete control of my calendar without being obligated due to external commitments. This complete flexibility has surprised me by how much I enjoy it. Letting go of some old identities was really liberating. Identities that absolutely transformed me, but that I had (I can now admit) undeniably outgrown.

– Dating is a shit show. I am not interested in dating for the sake of dating. I also don’t require an app in order to meet people as I do that naturally wherever I go. In addition to Pisces (my ex), Gemini has firmly been established as an absolute no. Love my Pisces and Gemini friends, and professionally they are great clients, but I don’t do well in intimate relationships with them. Lesson learned.

– Actually publishing my first memoir is rapidly nearing completion and as I said to my current designer, Shit!!! This is becoming very real and tangible. A Cheryl Strayed quote I love is “Your book has a birthday. You just don’t know what it is.” This first memoir may be born sometime this spring, and that both exhilarates and terrifies me.

– Reclaiming my bedroom space has been an ongoing process. I’ve slept alone for five years but it was only after my divorce was final that I fully re-painted it. A year ago, it’s where I retreated to heal, and for a while I was very productive from bed. But I don’t like having work in that area and appreciate that it is fully back to personal space.

– I like going to the movies. That was never something ex and I never did together, and it’s only recently with friends that I’ve realized how much I enjoy it. The reclining and heated seats don’t hurt the experience. And even with no knowledge of the show, Downton Abbey was absolutely brilliant.

– Relationships shift and change over time. Some grow more intense and stronger. Others run their course, and all of that is okay. I just reconnected with a friend; I truly forgot just how much I enjoy talking with them, and how much we have in common.

– Sometimes, it’s just so nice to be on the receiving end of an invitation. I tend to do a lot of inviting, gathering, coordinating and it’s just so refreshing to have someone reach out and ask for time with me.

– Quiet and down time for and with myself aren’t weak or lazy; they’re requirements. I truly love time by myself. I am very social and love the people in my life. I also cherish time alone. After being emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted, I spent New Years Day and January 2nd in bed reading. It was blissful.

– Communication and relationships are things at which I naturally excel…when they are with the right people. Both are skills I would have previously denied but over the past year have become even more prominent.

– Having my own space these past years has become so precious to me. But at the same time, I can choose who I invite and allow into that space. Welcoming people into my space has been very healing.

– I actually like traveling even by myself. Ex and I never traveled well together and by the end we just didn’t. Having gone to new places, both with friends and most recently alone, has been so much fun.

My life has changed tremendously over the course of a year, not to mention over the course of the past three years. I am continually surprised, sometimes shocked and sometimes delighted, by all of the new that continues to show up.

This life experience is messy beyond belief. It also includes invitations to witness wonder, magic, and brilliant resonance. I’ve learned that all I can continue to do is keep showing up for all of it. For that, I am grateful.

Copyright©2020 by Diane McDermott, All Rights Reserved, “Beyond Divorce Insights”

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, joyful integrity and creative expression

The Absolute Worst Part of Dating

Having had some type of dating profile for nearly a year now, there is one aspect that to me is the absolute worst. And it’s not the rude, inappropriate, or downright stupid messages men send; I find those amusing. The worst part is the mind-numbingly boring communication.

Admittedly, I have impossibly high standards when it comes to conversation and communication. And I’ve talked with and dated several very intelligent men who were unwilling to engage with me intellectually. No matter how much physical attraction there may be, without the intellectual component I will quickly get bored and move on.

Communicating via a dating app or even text messages, is not the same as having a conversation with someone. Right now, there’s a message I haven’t responded to yet, from some guy wanting to meet me in person. After only a few messages back and forth.

The thing is, I don’t yet know if it’s worth meeting him in person. Because we haven’t had an actual conversation. And I’m not interested in meeting someone for the sake of meeting them. I can buy my own drinks and I have plenty of friends. If I don’t find you interesting enough in conversation, we really don’t need to meet.

I just don’t understand how unwilling so many men seem to be to having an actual conversation prior to meeting in person. In nearly a year, one man has asked if he could call me. One. I haven’t kept track of how many I’ve messaged, talked with or met, but one seems like a ridiculously low number willing to have a conversation by phone.

The superficial, meaningless, seriously boring communication saturating the experience of dating is enough to make me want to delete it all and just give up. At this point I do have a lot of clarity about what I want, and most messages don’t get a response from me.

If I do engage…I want to see some willingness to have an actual conversation before spending any time or energy meeting in person. And that conversation can’t happen through texting alone.

A fellow writer who doesn’t know me at all but had listened to some of my writing immediately described me as highly intellectual. That’s certainly true, and while there was a time when I was willing to keep an open mind and date without proof of intellectual engagement, that time has passed.

I guess it’s true that if you “date a writer, you’ll end up as material.” Even if you just message a writer through a dating app…you can still end up as material.

Copyright©2019 by Diane McDermott, All Rights Reserved, “The Absolute Worst Part of Dating”

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, connection and creative expression

 

 

 

The Reality of Dating Beyond Divorce

I’ve been threatening to write about my experiences with dating for quite long enough. For about 8 months now I’ve had some type of online dating profile, and there have certainly been some “interesting” experiences.

If nothing else, it’s absolutely entertaining, not just to see what men post about themselves, but also what they say and how they interact with me. I swear, people don’t realize how much they give away about themselves with words alone.

If you’re a woman dating after divorce, there’s a must read article that a fellow joyfully divorced friend sent me and it finally highlights a truly practical aspect to online dating: Woman Joins Tinder to Pick Up Couch from Ikea

When I first read that article, I cried from laughing so hard – the most hilarious part was her screenshots of interactions. Because YES, that’s how most men interact. And it is hilarious.

From the beginning, I didn’t like match.com at all and once they censored my language, I was done with that site. My experience with it was creepy, and the majority of communication I received was just so stupidly beyond anything I was remotely interested in, it wasn’t worth my time. The fact that the site told me that men age 50-70 were my ideal audience should have been a clue….I was 39 at the time and thanks, but hell no.

I’ve had better interactions with the app Hinge, and yet, I’ve become much more discerning over time and at this point ignore probably 98% of messages. The most recent one that I received was “you’re absolutely gorgeous” to which my reaction was rolling my eyes thinking “and you’re absolutely superficial”. Needless to say, he’s not getting an actual reply.

The ridiculousness of what men say, share, and post is just beyond words. My personal favorite direct message I’ve received: “I just want you to admit you want to have sex with me”. Well, I’m pretty certain you’ve just eliminated any possibility of that ever actually being accurate. Seriously.

Even better have been some in person conversations with men who, while otherwise were perfectly nice, responded to my sharing the above message by telling me that they hoped I let the guy know how I perceived it.

As though I’m somehow responsible for educating men on how to behave and interact with women. What the actual fuck?! Dear men, I assure you that I have plenty of responsibility for my own behavior, I’m not interested in taking any amount of ownership for yours.

The reality of dating beyond divorce is enlightening for sure and the level of arrogance is astonishing. For any men reading this – arrogance and posturing is not attractive, and it’s evident regardless of what you think.

Copyright©2019 by Diane McDermott, All Rights Reserved, “The Reality of Dating Beyond Divorce”

The content of this blog is the original content of Diane McDermott, Between the Lines LLC Ghostwriting Services, founded in heartfelt alignment, connection and creative expression